新しいレイアウト - kinda true. but the posts are still exactly the same. align="center"
We (mostly) lied about the new layout. (And the emo posts are here to stay.)

Monday, November 23, 2009

valu(able)

if this wandering is folly

tell me

what is my goal?

give me a meaning

a reason

let me be

or have something

of value

something of value to cling on to.

(you see i know the things i'm losing but i'm not sure what i'm to keep)

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

dazed, crumple

these days are getting more and more confusing

i'm losing myself

i'm losing it

what was it i was supposed to do, and what was it that i wanted?

how does one right wrongs

what does one do with wrongs



is there that which is

unforgivable?

can one restore perfectly that which is broken?

how does one change the past

we who must live in present

and fear the future



how does one
accept
be accepted
know acceptance
to be true?



who
can
love
me?

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Friday, November 13, 2009

none of us are as cruel as all of us

says anonymous.

---

why are people so screwed up. it makes one wonder.

one screwed up person triggers the formation of the next.

and even when someone decides to try to break this vicious cycle, and rise above it

they get ignored. thrown aside, mocked, then stoned to death.

and again, cruelty is born.

it almost makes one unsympathetic for all forms of human misery.

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

stubborn fools

life should be lived something like this:

resolve the past,
hope for the future,
but most importantly,
live today.

yet how things really are:

chained by the past,
i fear the future,
and worst of all
i stumble blindly today.

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Sunday, October 25, 2009

"blog"

if one thinks about it, the whole idea of a blog is a truly strange concept.

the seeming contradiction has been brought up time and again.

"a public diary? wth?"

but celestial being comes to the rescue to take on the contradictions of the world upon themselves! exia, exterminating the targets! XD

ahem.

well i guess people are just foolish beings, prone to fickleness and contradiction.

we want to understand and be understood. we want to draw closer, but we only hurt each other as we do so.

so we fear proximity. a kind of social claustrophobia if you will.

the endless irony and contradiction in the convoluted waltz we partake in as humans, social conventions, personal inhibitions, an inevitable reality.

because we want to understand and be understood. we want to draw closer, but we fear we may be hurt, destroyed by the suffocating distance, yet unable to bear the cold alone in our own frigid wastelands of endless sterile white.

so we want to cry out, we want to bare our souls, wear our hearts on our sleeves, but we don't dare to do so in reality.

thus we turn to the strange detachment, dislocation, disembodiment that the internet grants us.

here one cries to a seemingly empty room, and ever so often, if one is fortunate, a ghostly echo from some corner of the globe calls back.

things become a little different however, when it becomes something frequented by people one personally encounters on a daily basis. and there are certain things one becomes acutely aware of.

now there are always things one does not say on the internet, regardless of readership. there are some things that still render a blog different from a real diary. yet this contrast is further pronounced under the circumstances of a more "real" audience.

because we humans are creatures of contradiction. we want to be heard, but we don't want them to hear.

because all we really want is for someone to draw close to us, to embrace us for who we are, in all our painful contradiction, accepting, even loving, the flaws that define us. but we fear that who we are will render such a connection unlikely, or impossible. sometimes perhaps, we may be convinced that we know so.

but because we want to be heard, without being heard

because we want to convey something without hurting anyone else

because of that, even now, we still cry out.

because it's okay not to smile if it won't hurt anybody

to cry in loneliness to the impassive visage of the night.

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Saturday, October 24, 2009

the things i do

for pw. x(

i still can't believe i managed to go through all that. i only felt a twinge of shame the first time i put on the wig in public, then after that slutty me took over and i whored myself for the camera.

hardly an exaggeration, the things i do for humour... D=

there's all those OTHER times too, but let's not talk about that.

---

from gwei's pm

"the caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still"

yeah haha it's pretty isn't it.

oh but i still think the caged bird is an idiot really. just stay in your cage, caged bird. -_-

but, hm. sing.

yeah sing i guess, sing all you want.

and keep on singing~

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Friday, October 23, 2009

crack is cheaper

so after almost a week of careful consideration, i have arrived at several options.

how shall i build my sword impulse? let me count the ways

1. get an airbrush and compressor

at this point i'm pretty convinced that this will easily result in the best looking model. however, here comes the problem. the cost of an airbrush and compressor will prolly be around say... $400 ish?

hm.. it'll be pretty hard to persuade my parents to allow something like this, so eh... D=

but in the long run such an investment would probably be a good idea so i donno...

2. handpaint the whole thing

cheaper than option 1 for sure, and has the potential to look about as good assuming a good paintjob. of course, this brings up several issues.

firstly, skill. or lack thereof. as far as i've read, painting everything by hand if you're a noob is a surefire way to entirely ruin one's model into an unforgivably ugly mess. secondly, there's the bit about airbrushing pretty much being a superior option. it'll definitely look nicer that way, of that much i'm convinced (anyone thinks otherwise?) thirdly i still do have to obtain good paints and fine brushes, thinner, etc. and i'm not entirely sure on the details, but generally with this being easier to mess up than most options, and i being unclear on how one can fix mistakes made (if that is at all possible), i'm rather iffy on going through with this. (if i can be convinced that any mistakes made can be fixed at minimal cost and look just as good, then it'll probably go a long way in me choosing this option.

3. just panel line the thing. thazz all. nothing else.

beginning to seriously consider this because even with just this little bit of effort, i can make the model look damn nice. minimal effort+still looking damn sexaye is very very appealing. sure it won't look as epic as a proper paintjob, but if i can't get all the necessary (and very costly) equipment now, i guess settling for a nicely lined sword impulse isn't too bad. i'm reasonably sure however it goes it won't turn out UGLY at least. very low risk, and it'll only cost me a couple extra dollars for some fine point markers.

in addition, i *could* prolly disassemble my model in future and repaint the thing afterwards even if i choose this option. so *possibly* in the future i can make it look pretty. i'm not sure if i'll lose anything appearance wise if i choose this option. ehhh...

if indeed, i can easily just panel line now, and do a proper paintjob in the future (maybe when i actually have a job to support my hobby or sth, i donno) then this would easily be the best option. i mean to be fair, i'm still just a first timer, and i can't make an epic looking model on my first try... so maybe this is a much better option after all?

---

in conclusion, expensive hobby is expensive, and while i hope to probably get all the costly tools in the future (again, when i have a job to support this), right now i'm probably getting ahead of myself if i try too hard. with the financial risks involved, i think just good ol' panel lining and careful cutting and sandpapering may be all i really want/need to do for now. of course, i've also always been quite the perfectionist, so i doubt i'd be really comfortable with just lining. if i can be convinced that after assembly and lining i can still pick the model up again at some later date and sort of do a paintjob on it more or less from scratch (i.e. in the end i can get my perfect pretty sword impulse). my largest concern regarding this is disassembly for painting. (will i ruin the joints? are some of the parts too hard to pull apart after being put together? if so, will painting a partially assembled model still look okay or will it look uglier than if i painted the individual parts?) for the panel lines already on i'm *quite* sure that just doing a paintjob normally and just strengthening the panel lines again at the end of it will produce the exact same effect if i hadn't lined it beforehand. if i'm wrong please correct me, i will insist on a paintjob on the first run in that case x(

tl;dr oh noes i wish i wuz pro at this model building thingamajig

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